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Sunday, 22 April 2012

Loony Tunes
Sick buckets at the ready
Being a woman is pretty fucking fabulous but do you know what occasionally makes it just that bit shit? No, it's not the crimson tide or building site yawps. It's bollocks like this: a compilation CD I've just spied called 100 Hits: Woman. Yes, it is this that makes me want to grow my own knackersack and furiously twang it.
Christ, how I hate stuff like this. The CD contains 100 songs by wimmin singers and is squarely aimed at wimmin listeners, whoever the fuck they are. It's a vile beast that has been knocked out by some crass music company execs where it is assumed that the nation's female population wants to holler along, misty-eyed, to songs that celebrate femininity/ decry men/ rage against relationships/ promise world domination. It's like a management speak for women who still wear hair scrunchies.
For fuck's sake, save me will you? Exactly how patronising does a product need to get? And at what point did the difference between women and men become so completely gulf-like that the gender groups now demand diametrically opposing music? More than that, the assumption that women want to hear music that's only being sung by women makes me want to spew through my nose. It's meaningless muff-gazing at its worst. It makes me want to lie in wait for any female who buys this hideous blarting just so I can point them in the direction of the 21st Century.
Look, it's the same patronising arse-fodder as the likes of the pink n cuddly Run for Life  campaign or the stunningly disheartening TV show Loose Women. They also make me want to rip off my bra and strangle someone with it. Why in the giddy name of shit do women need their own races or their own talk shows? Can't runners just be runners and viewers just be viewers? I'm assuming that women are as capable of knocking out 10K or understanding intellectual chat as anyone else on the planet.
Problem is that some women think that these steaming bowls of wrong are all about equality. However, my fellow fanny-scratchers, they're not. In fact they're about segregation. That's right, giving the lovely little laydees somewhere to go and play while the rest of the world gets on with the serious topic of living its life.
So if I want to take up running I'll do it with the rest of the runners out there and if I want stimulating discussion I'll jostle with the rest of the population over Radio 4. Oh and if I want to listen to music I'll listen to it according to my own musical taste. Aye, and not according to whether my love tunnel has seen the business end of a cold speculum. 100 Hits? 100 Shits more like.

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