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Wednesday, 18 April 2012

By a Nose
Such an underrated bodypart
What in the giddy shit is this? Today's paper dragged my kicking, screaming and frantically resisting attention to an article about the most heinous of new bridal preparations: the K-E Diet, a crash diet that means being fed through a nose tube for an entire week. And no, I'm not making this shit up. Really. I'm not. By all accounts this diet is being snapped up by brides who want to look emaciated, sorry, lose 20 lbs in time for their wedding day.
Fuck me if there aren't so many things wrong with this cultural development that this one blog post won't possibly cover it all. I'm going to have to build it its own website.
How badly do you want to be skinny for your wedding shots that you'll shove a tube up your left nostril only to be fed with the sort of goop that's usually reserved for people on life support machines? Jesus, I won't stick more than a finger up my nose. I sure as shit wouldn't want a three course meal passing through it.
In my wedding pics I look anything but emaciated. In fact my frock was straining at the seams. Thanks to some medical treatment I'd put on an unmoveable 6lbs overnight exactly a fortnight before the wedding. Can you imagine the state I'd have been in if I were the nose-fed variety of bride?
Laughably the side effects of this astounding diet include dizziness, constipation and fetid breath. I bet that makes for a memorable wedding day demeanour. You could waddle down the aisle, bulging with seven days' worth of turds, only to repel your new husband with the stench of your breath before collapsing across the altar and bouncing off the pews like a pinball.
And all of this is preferable to what? No, what exactly? Looking like the normal woman your groom fell in love with? Having a bit of a wiggle? Or not being able to play Camptown Races on your ribs?
And what the fuck happens on the honeymoon, if your groom hasn't already legged it because his bride looked like she was in last stages of a terminal illness? One ice-cream into that Antuigan trip and you'd inflate like a life raft.
This isn't really about the diet though, is it? It's about women who seem determined to erase themselves from society by making themselves so hideously thin that they all but disappear. What these women need is counselling, not 500 less calories. Anyone who, pardon the pun, puts so much weight on losing weight that they'll shove a tube up their nose needs a very special type of therapy. That and possibly a hard slap.
Of course, I would be happy to administer said slap and for free too. Yeah, it'd make my bingo wings flutter and possibly send ripples through my arse-cheeks but, fuck me, it'd be worth it. Someone has to stop common sense from going down the tubes and quickly, before these bananas brides find another use for the things.



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