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Saturday, 17 March 2012

That bloody stork...
Tell you what is the oddest thing I've found about my single season of spawning, it's that getting knocked up after 20 years of infertility just isn't enough for some people. I still get asked when I'm going to have 'another one'. By another one, I take it to mean child rather than breakdown although there is certainly room in my life for another trip to the psych unit. 
So in an effort to allow the world to move on, I'm laying out my top five reasons for never, ever creating another human being ever again, ever. I said ever, d'you hear? Here, my little kraken lovers, you go:
1. As a woman who, post partum, lost her plot so profoundly that deep sea submersibles were drafted in to recover it, I will officially be fucked if I am going through all that again. 
2. One exploded vagina is quite enough for one lifetime. Women say that you forget the pain of labour. Ha, I'll be fucked. Every single day I remain grateful that I will never again have to feel a Winnebago reversing out of my love tunnel. 
3. Why in the frig would I want to be left in charge of a newborn again? It was the most horrifying, confusing and exhausting twelve-month of my existence. Jesus, it'd be like soldiers returning to Kabul for a reunion bombing, ie. plain sodding stupid.
4. No, I never understood which cry meant hunger and which cry meant taking a shit, so every time Kraken Junior opened her mouth I was pitched into a panic-stricken bout of tick-boxing. The guesswork. Oh Jesus, the guesswork. 
5. Creche fees. Do you realise that, had we not spawned, we could have spent the creche fees on three round-the-world trips on a cocktail-laden, gold-plated magic carpet and still have come home with enough change to buy an island such as Australia? 
So hopefully this is enough of an explanation to allay the fears of those who think we are taking our time in producing yet another little kraken. There will be no other little kraken. We are kraken-lite. Not least because the little kraken that we do have just can't be bloody beat.

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