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Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Domestic Blis(ster)
Spare me, you desperado advertising execs. I've just witnessed a telly ad for Harpic Plus, something that you shove in your toilet to keep it clean, by all accounts. And you know what the ridiculous fucking blurb said? That your toilet may not be as clean as you'd like it to be and what about the germs lurking, God forbid, in the U-bend?
The U-bend? Really, the U-bend? What the fuck does it matter if there are germs in the U-bend? It's not as if you're drinking from the bloody thing. No one's attempting to rinse their dentures in the sodding bog water. As far as I'm concerned my U-bend could be home to new strains of deep-sea plankton and I wouldn't give a shit, pardon the po-loving pun.
The only time I've had a brush with my U-bend was when I got my right foot wedged in it. I'd attempted to stand on the toilet but, alas, the lid was up and before I realised I was knee deep in the porcelain. Anyhoo, when I pulled out my foot, replete with what looked like five burst and blackened sausages parading as toes, the hygienic state of the U-bend was the last fucking thing on my mind. The severe bruising was an issue, yes, as was the fact that the triage nurse at my local A & E could barely speak for snorting. But the germs harbouring in the arse-end of my toilet? No, I can't much say that I gave even the most remote of flying fucks.
So, Harpic Plus, if you want to flog me your latest brew you'll have to think of something snappier than the state of my remote plumbing. I dunno, make my wee glow in the dark or turn my poo into gold. Otherwise, would you be so kind as to just put a lid on it.



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