Hot Stuff

Burning issue, my arse

You know, I really do try to not fall into the idiotic trap of hating anyone under the age of 18 but this week, I'm afraid, I've reneged on this personal promise of mine. Yeah, yeah, I hate myself but I've been privy to some of the most wankish yoof behaviour I've ever seen.
This week I've had to call the Fire Service three times because I've witnessed teenage boys setting fire to the hillside opposite my home. For fuck's sake. It happens every Easter after a dry spell when the molina grass on the hillside is nature's equivalent of barbecue briquettes. I even wrote about it for The Times two years ago because it's such a bastard problem. The arson, I mean, not the bloody grass.
Anyway, I've had the harrowing opportunity to view idle yoofs at their best as they walk along said hillside with a lit branch setting alight to tufts of grass. And by alight I mean really fucking alight. I'm on about rapidly spreading blazes that take hours to put out because they engulf the entire hillside. On one evening this week in the time it took for me to dial 999 these troll-like fuckers had lit five small fires along a path. By the time the Fire Service had the chance to dispatch an engine, get it close to the hillside and then trudge to the top with their fire-beaters the blaze was razing entire trees to the ground.
Why in the fuck would anyone do this? Why? When I researched my Times article I found that it's mainly a social and cultural problem. I'd still kick the little fuckers into submission if I could get my hands on them though.
For a start, what in the fuck is with yomping up into the local woods to set fire to a few acres? How blindingly bored and stupid would you have to be? Jesus, I could be idle to the point of counting my own pubic stubblings and not come up with such a cock-headed idea of entertainment. And what's with the parental supervision? Yeah, I know you can't keep an eye on everything but don't the parents of these little shits notice when they come home stinking of smoke? That clearly didn't happen this week because the three consecutive evenings that fires were started, the same little fuckers were the arsonists. 
Funnily enough, a mate of mine is a fire fighter and he's been dispatched to these very fires year-in, year-out. He's also chased an arsonist, catching the little fucker and handing him over the the police. Problem is, the police refuse to do anything with 'em because they're so reluctant to get involved with the problem. It involves them having to put down their doughnuts or something.
All of which means it's up to the likes of me and the Fire Service to keep the town from going up in smoke. I don't have an answer to the problem but I do have some rather scorching ideas about how to make the fire-lighting fuckers pay. I don't know if tying them to trees and chucking lit matches at them would do any good but it would make me feel one hell of a lot better. At least the pee running down their legs would help put out the flames. And who knows, it might teach them a lesson or two while we're at it.