Phone Goblins

Just. Shut. Up.

Another prime example of how mobile phones have destroyed humanity. Yesterday I was sitting in a small group of people, all of us discussing some shit or other, when one of the group got out her phone. You know what she did? Dialled a number and started a conversation with whoever the fuck she called, barking so loudly that the rest of us were unable to carry on our conversation.
What, in the barren land of bollocks, was that all about? It was so rude on so many levels that I've actually lost count of them. In fact, I was embarrassed for her, seeing as she was acting like a wanker who'd snorted a record weight of wank. 
Couldn't she have left the conversation for later (I don't recall it starting with "Run! Run for your life!")? Couldn't she have left the group to make it in private? Or couldn't she have conducted it at a level of decibels that wouldn't have resembled a Metallica gig?
Worse, said group member wasn't some acne-riddled, hoody-wearing oik with the manners of a truffle-snuffling boar. It was, in fact, a 50-something woman who sure as shit should have known better.
I know, I know, I sound like a Daily Mail reader. If it's any consolation, I hate myself for it. But spare me the glaring rudeness will you? And said rudeness must be rude if this F-bombing kraken is arsed over it. 
Bloody phone goblin.

Yoof

Then stamp on it

Christ on a bike if my heavily medicated spirit has just taken another small, yet everlasting, kicking. Why? Read the conversation I've just had with Kraken Junior. And weep:
Me: "Look! Your Tinkerbell comic has a fairy mobile that we can make!"
KJ: "A mobile? Can we play with it?"
Me: "Course. Want me to put it together for you?"
KJ: "Yeah. Can we call someone after that?"
Me: "Eh?"
KJ: "Call someone. On the mobile phone you're making."
As sure as shit slides off a shovel, this has to be the most disheartening fucking conversation I've had in something like 30 years. KJ is three years of age and she thought I was talking about a mobile phone. How the fuck did that happen? We read her books about bears and pirates! We spend hour after fucking hour spilling glitter across the floor! She thinks thunder and lightening is caused by Santa taking a dump! 
When the fuck did technology overtake all that's good and innocent about dangling fairies off her ceiling by making KJ think I was fashioning a mobile communication device from the pages of a bloody magazine? 
Start praying for the safety of the next gimp who tries to flog me a mobile phone, will you? Or it'll be them that KJ finds dandling from the frigging ceiling.

(Not so) Good to Talk

You ain't fucking kidding

Look, if you're going to drag your kids to the park can you not leave it up to dull fucks like me to keep an eye on them? Every frigging time I'm in the park with Kraken Junior I find myself surrounded by screeching offspring being dutifully ignored by their phone-adoring parents. Yeah, there are only so many times you can watch your first born tackling the slide before you want to stab yourself in the gonads but c'mon, will you?
Today, I saw one guy texting with one hand while guiding his kid up a ladder with the other. Then, while still engrossed in his LMFHOs and LOLs, said kid ran off only for him to panic over this disappearance when he bothered to look minutes later. Put the phone down you dull fuck!
Take the last time I took Kraken Junior to the swings. Parents sat with their backs to their toddlers while taking phone calls, young kids legged it while parents texted... and you know what I did? I spent my time helping kids I don't know and will never see again, saving them from getting hit by swings, stopping them from tripping on ladders and asking them if they were OK when they stood sobbing after falling, all alone because their parents were ignoring them. 
Look, being a parent can be a complete and utter fucker. And yeah, other shit creeps in and takes over sometimes but Jesus, are these people for real? Sadly, yeah.