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Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Baring All
Never a good look
You know that basic thing you do before you leave the house? Checking yourself in the mirror? Well, I'll be fucked if I haven't discovered that there's a whole sea of people out there who never, ever do it. Yup, thanks to Kraken Junior's rather fabulous US cousins I've become hooked on, a site so stuffed with the hideous personal grooming of Walmart shoppers that it will actually make you dry retch to death.
Walmart, of course, is the US equivalent and owner of Asda. Thank fuck, though, the pics on this website makes Asda look like the Harrods food hall. If I had to come into contact with this or this while pawing through the carrots I'd probably sick up my own lungs. 
What makes people think it's OK to go out looking like this? Jesus Christ, I wouldn't dress like these guys if I was on my own personal island and had access to the world's supply of flammable materials. And where do these zombies of the fashion wasteland actually buy their clothes? Seriously, there are items of clothing on this website that not only have I never, ever seen in a shop but I wouldn't know where to find them even if I wanted to. It's like Helen Keller's Spring/ Summer collection although collection of what exactly is impossible to fathom.
Look, I'm no Kate Moss but, fuck me, I do like to tuck in my flabby bits when I leave the house. I also like to make sure that there are no ferrets nesting in my hair or that my tits are sufficiently hoisted to avoid toe stubbage. 
Alas, though, thanks to it's become apparent that even these basics are a step too far for the US Midwest and deep South. Check out the location of each pic and you'll find that there's a stunning regularity of the same states, page after page. It's as if the likes of Texas and Iowa have suffered a collective mental haemorrhage, one that obliterated their sense of taste and their personal dignity. When, in 21st Century America, naked, sagging arse cheeks are a staple of supermarket shopping you can see why they've retained the gun laws. 
My biggest fear, though, is that Asda shoppers pick up on the trend for scuffing their own flab rolls along aisle 16. Admittedly, some of them already have but if it gets to the stage where every fucker is doing it I'll start begging for guns to be available too. 
So for fuck's sake make sure you check yourself in the mirror before you leave the house. You don't just owe it to yourself. You owe it to the rest of the world.


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