Copping Out

Iggle, you're nicked

You know when you become so despairing that you want to weep openly while beating at the windscreen of the car?  That. Yup, that. And this time it’s over the absurd police reaction of arresting the Twitter troll who said of Olympic diver Tom Daley "You let your dad down i hope you know that (sic)".

Ok. Someone needs to explain this to me.  No really, because I haven’t got a fucking clue what’s going on. You see, when I went to bed last night I was living in the UK yet at some time in the night my entire house was airlifted across the globe and put down in communist China. So when I woke up this morning I found that someone had made a distasteful comment and been arrested for it. I know, I can hardly believe it either. 

Ok, so what this idiot said was nasty, ignorant and deeply hurtful. It was also....er, hold on... no, that’s it. That’s all. He was a twat and he spoke his twatty mind and astoundingly, got arrested for it.

Either way on the basis of this I’m well n truly screwed. If I’m not doing porridge by a week next Wednesday you’ll have every right to ask why because if haven’t offended somebody during the course of my blog it’ll be a miracle worthy of Charlton Heston parting the Red Sea. You want distasteful comments? Then you’ve come to the right place. I’ve offended parents, shoppers, drivers, celebs, politicians, children, the elderly, the police and even my own mater and pater. It’s a miracle that the prison at Guantanamo Bay doesn’t have a wing named after me.

Put it this way. Take every distasteful remark I’ve made on this blog and award it one week in the pokey. That makes...one fuck of a long time behind bars. And no, I’ve never made a racist remark or said anything remotely discriminatory (well, unless you include discrimination against the global population of bell ends) but that no longer seems to matter. It’s now enough of a crime to just upset someone.

So what am I supposed to do in this new police state of ours? Start raving into my pillow rather than the blogosphere? Start suppressing that part of me that controls independent thought? Or perhaps fall into line and just accept what I am told because that’s what good citizens do? Well, I’m afraid I’m not prepared to do any of those things so the South Wales Constabulary had better cancel overtime because, if this is the way we’re going, it’s going to get pretty fucking busy around here.

One good thing has come from this though and that’s the speed of the police response. That alone has made me skip. Because when we recently called the police to report a crime it took them a fortnight to get to us (I am not kidding) because, they said, they couldn’t find our house. Oh, and there was that time recently when two other occifers found themselves in our garden because they’d “got lost”. Oooops, and I’m forgetting when we reported a crime and were told that it couldn’t be recorded unless we physically went to the police station first.

So, in the light of this trolling business, let the new vigilance of the police offer us hope that from here on in real crimes will be resolved swiftly and eagerly. Swap the words ‘causing offence’ with ‘car crime’ and use the term ‘on the street’ rather than ‘online’ and, Christ knows, we might start getting somewhere. Until then, get out your orange jumpsuits. Guantanamo, here we come.