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Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Want Sprinkles On That?
Toy town lives on
Now, I'm cool with rap music. In fact I'm rather partial to some of it. But there is one aspect of the genre that makes me want to beat people to death with a sack of 50 Cent's toes. It's an insidious danger and one that's thrusting a gleaming dagger into the foaming liver of British culture: the trend for the UK's yoofs to refer to the local constabulary as 'feds'. 
Feds. F.E.D.S. As in the American slang for police, FBI or any other doughnut-scoffers. There are so many things wrong with this use of the word that my eyes actually bleed when I try to list them. 
Have the nation's yoofs any idea how utterly fucking gimpy they sound when they refer to their local bobby as a 'fed'? Yeah, gangsta rap is laced with references to the 'feds' but that's because the likes of Jay-Z, Snoop, 50 Cent and Soulja Boy are American and banging on about life in the scabby arse end of New Yoik. Which means that when some pizza-faced teenager with a computer tan and bum fluff prattles on about 'feds' in the arse end of Dagenham they just sound like twats.
Look, idiots, you live in the U-fucking-K. The police are not 'feds'. They are the police, the fuzz, the pigs, the bobbies, the local constabulary, if you will. If you want to live the 'dream' of rapper-style life, perhaps you could get a one way ticket to LA, join the Crips and be bullet-riddled by the time you're 25. Something, though, tells me that just like US gangsta rap not always translating to the UK, neither would a pigeon-chested yoof from Nelson Mandela House in Clapham translate to where existence really is rap come to life.
And while I'm at it, you get the same boggling result when you see said yoofs rapping on Channel AKA, the music channel of choice if you enjoy the company of guns and hos. One minute your witnessing Soulja Boy prattling his arse off in a LA ghetto and the next you're watching Nigel rapping outside his local Cost Cutter. And no, Nige, oversized trackie bottoms and a nick in your eyebrow from your mother's leg razor really don't cut it. Believe me, if they did you wouldn't look like a tit.
So if these toy town gangstas want to be taken seriously then perhaps they should start to own their experiences rather than trying to crowbar them into the lyrics of a Jay-Z effort. And that means ditching the 'feds' reference and writing raps about cans of Strongbow and arsing about on the park swings instead. That is unless toy toy gangstering really is the next big thing.


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