The Queen is Dead

Being a tit

When is Madonna going to piss off and leave us all alone? If there's any chance that we could make that some time in the next ten minutes I'd be just about chuffed to fuck. My problem? Her desperation to remain relevant. And when I say desperation, she stinks of the stuff so much she's like a decommissioned fishing trawler.
Just what is it with her nightly waggling of guns and tits on her MDNA tour? I've thought long and hard about what her message could be but, sorry, outside of her wanting to look like a drunken nutbag stumbling out of Castle Bingo at midnight I'm at a complete loss.
Funny thing is that when other turns do this stuff I really don't give a shit. Yet when Madge does it I get the urge to beat her to death with a cone shaped bra. I reckon it's because, for me, everything she does appears to be so utterly calculated that it destroys the value of her actions. I mean, do you think for a moment that she dug the guns out of Rocco's toy box and whipped out her tit on a whim? Jesus, no. I reckon those additions to her schtick followed an arduous meeting where Madge and various execs shook their noggins until they came up with what they thought would make her look cutting edge. Then they built spreadsheets, graphs and pie charts to decide at what point this stuff should be used in her show. And that's not to say that such gigs aren't planned to death. But only Madonna could take an apparently random act and suck the spontaneity from it until it's as random as the outcome of 2+2.
And another problem with Madge's latest attempt at relevancy is that it's just, well, so dull. Guns? It's been done. Tits? Madge, love, you drained that well back in the 90s. Suddenly, rather than being cutting edge Madge looks as if she's on the trailing edge. Whether Madge likes it or not Gaga hasn't just nipped at her heels, she's chewed off her feet and pissed on the stumps. And yeah, there's room for two in this game, but not when one of them - Madge - looks so panic stricken.
So, if Madge wants to liven up her MDNA tour by whipping out sparkly piglets rather than guns, I'd love it. And if she swapped her bap flashing for dressing as the Eiffel Tower then I'd be all admiration. Until then, I'm just going to remain deflated and disappointed that Her Madgesty, the queen of all she surveys, finally came to this.