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Thursday, 15 March 2012

If I've Said it Once...
You reckon?
You know what's really fucking hard about parenting? The repetition. Endless, bottomless, infinite repetition. Not so much in actions but in speech. If I say one thing to Kraken Junior every day I probably say it a thousand sodding times, usually twice before she responds and three times before she acts. By which time I'm physically smashing my head against the nearest hard surface at the scorching frustration of it all.
Do you know what phrases I use the most in any given 24 hour period? Do you care? Too bad, because, in a stunning fit of irony, I intend to repeat them here:

  • Teeth! Teeth!
  • Can you actually hear me?
  • Just because, that's why.
  • Shoes!
  • Just sit still to eat your tea.
  • Hands!
  • You want what?
  • Come. Back. Here. NOW!
  • No, just two stories.
  • For. Fuck's. Sake.
  • Do you need a wee?
  • You tit
  • I said slow down!
  • Just give me one bloody minute, OK?
  • Do you need a poo?
  • Can't I have a shit in peace?
  • I love you.
  • I need a drink.

This is it. This is frigging it, the soundtrack to my life. It used to be the latest from the Ministry of Sound or Pete Tong but now it's the endless fucking barking of instructions at a four year old who swears blind that she knows better than her 40 year old mater.
In fact, said repetition has even turned me hoarse. There have been nights when Kraken Junior got just one short story because my voice wouldn't have survived even more infuriating repetition by way of We're Going on a Bear Hunt or the bloody Gruffalo.
Jesus, and they say having kids broadens your outlook.Well, it does exactly the frigging opposite to your skills of erudition. Conversationally I've regressed about thirty years since KJ slopped into the delivery room. Oddly enough, the first words she heard were "For! Fuck's! Sake!" and "I need a drink". Yup, I should have known even then.

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At 16 March 2012 at 03:19 , Blogger Kim Thomas said...

Yes, I think I remember using every one of those. Now my daughter is older, it's more "Please don't leave your towel on the floor." "Have you done your homework yet?" "Why haven't you practised your piano?" plus a lot of sentences beginning "How many times do I have to tell you...?"

Have you ever seen this?

Sums it up really.

At 16 March 2012 at 05:00 , Blogger The Kraken said...

Oh shit, thank you Kim! I love that link! It's funny enough to make me hoot yet brings a small tear to my eye because it's soooo good to not be alone amongst all this insanity.

At 16 March 2012 at 06:13 , Blogger Kim Thomas said...

I know, it's weird, it brings a tear to my eye as well. There's something about the thought of all those millions of mothers all over the world saying the same things that is strangely moving.

At 16 March 2012 at 07:19 , OpenID katchuri said...

I have always said I need a "Mum Button", which I would therefore press to say various phrases so that I don't fucking well have to anymore.
Imagine a button that would say: "Don't pick your nose. Don't bite your nails. Sit down. Eat up. Drink up. Do you need a wee? Put your jumper on. I love you too. You can't get out of it by giving me a cuddle, you know. Where's Rosy Primrose gone? No, you can't take that bloody rabbit in the car," etc. Maybe I'm just lazy...

At 16 March 2012 at 11:36 , Blogger The Kraken said...

Oh Kim, thank gawd. I thought it was just me being odd.

And Lucy, I love the idea of a mum button. Thing is I'd have to install it in something fluffy and lurid because Kraken Junior would probably take more bloody notice then.



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