If I've Said it Once...

You reckon?

You know what's really fucking hard about parenting? The repetition. Endless, bottomless, infinite repetition. Not so much in actions but in speech. If I say one thing to Kraken Junior every day I probably say it a thousand sodding times, usually twice before she responds and three times before she acts. By which time I'm physically smashing my head against the nearest hard surface at the scorching frustration of it all.
Do you know what phrases I use the most in any given 24 hour period? Do you care? Too bad, because, in a stunning fit of irony, I intend to repeat them here:

• Teeth! Teeth!
• Can you actually hear me?
• Just because, that's why.
• Shoes!
• Just sit still to eat your tea.
• Hands!
• You want what?
• Come. Back. Here. NOW!
• No, just two stories.
• For. Fuck's. Sake.
• Do you need a wee?
• You tit
• I said slow down!
• Just give me one bloody minute, OK?
• Do you need a poo?
• Can't I have a shit in peace?
• I love you.
• I need a drink.

This is it. This is frigging it, the soundtrack to my life. It used to be the latest from the Ministry of Sound or Pete Tong but now it's the endless fucking barking of instructions at a four year old who swears blind that she knows better than her 40 year old mater.
In fact, said repetition has even turned me hoarse. There have been nights when Kraken Junior got just one short story because my voice wouldn't have survived even more infuriating repetition by way of We're Going on a Bear Hunt or the bloody Gruffalo.
Jesus, and they say having kids broadens your outlook.Well, it does exactly the frigging opposite to your skills of erudition. Conversationally I've regressed about thirty years since KJ slopped into the delivery room. Oddly enough, the first words she heard were "For! Fuck's! Sake!" and "I need a drink". Yup, I should have known even then.