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Monday, 2 July 2012

Afternoon Delight
Not that kind of dogging
Ew, ew, ew and ew again. Other people can be so abso-fucking-lutely vile. And do you want to know why I'm barking this fevered generalisation? Because my little kraken family and I have just been for an afternoon walk in a glorious Forestry Commission, er, forest and the only wildlife we saw were - get this - doggers. 
Yeah. Ew. Doggers. Not exactly what I thought we'd find behind the rustling undergrowth at 2pm on any given Sunday. It's a popular spot for families too, as proven by the sculpture trails, kiddie treats and the many haggard parents forcing their squalling offspring into delighting in the outdoors. Problem was that local skanks and lurkers had gathered for their own brand of afternoon delight too.
I knew something was afoot - or possibly acock - when we got back to the car park and found a large selection of single men hanging about like extras from Dawn of the Dead. So furtive looking were they that it took mere minutes to work out what was going on and, by fuck, it wasn't the traditional meaning of Sunday stuffing. So as Kraken Junior and numerous other nippers frolicked amongst the dragon and owl carvings that had been laid on by the FC, the place became increasingly cluttered by the other type of wood-lover. One quick rummage on Google later and all was revealed, much like the perverts poking about behind the beech trees.
How utterly bloody grim. Look, if you want to roll around in badger shit with a stranger's unwashed dick you go for it. I'm sure that's great fun if you're happy to play Russian roulette with some form of pox. I'd just appreciate it, though, if you didn't do it in a family play area bang in the middle of a Sunday when I'm trying to lure my kid into the fresh fucking air.
By all accounts the FC is doing its best to put an end to this sort of fetid rummaging by encouraging in families, cyclists, horse-riders and anyone else with sturdy footwear. And had I been knocking about in the forest at 10pm this lurid behaviour would only have made me laugh (let's just say the men's desperation stank even more than the shit dolloped on the near bridleway). But come on. Dogging amongst families? Couldn't these guys have respect for something other than their laden knackersacks and either find somewhere else to prowl or have a stout wank in the comfort of their own shower trays? 
So thanks, local pervs, for making our lovely Sunday foray really enjoyable. Not only have I been left with a foul taste in my mouth - just like you but for different reasons, I'm happy to add - but that's one more unsafe place for KJ to visit. 
Wankers, the lot of you and no, that wasn't a fucking request.


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