Amateur psychiatrics

If I wasn't nuts before, I am now

Have just read a column about when to terrify friends and family with the news that you are suffering from depression. I, The Kraken, came out as a depressive years ago but still go through the same ole routine every time I meet someone new.
And you know what? Telling people about your mental health status is a piece of piss. The hard part is the reaction of the recipients of said information. Seriously, you could announce yourself leprotic by waving a three-fingered hand in the air and get a better reaction.
Course, no one knows how to deal with it. They don't know whether to console, sympathise or just slowly back away from the lunatic. What I have learned though, is that there are some things you never, ever say to a depressive. Wanna hear them?


1. "Oh, stop being so negative."
That's right, because negativity is such a cool lifestyle choice! Hey, I was sick to fuck of being happy all of the time so I figured that instead of going on holiday this year I'd tinker with a noose.


2. "Just read a funny book or watch a funny film."
Excuse me? You genuinely think that spending an afternoon with Will Ferrell is all the treatment I need? I've sobbed away three months in bed, given up my job and can barely leave the house and you think the solution lies in Jim Fucking Carey?


3. "What have you got to be depressed about?"
Well, how about inane comments like that one? What, do you think I'm considering suicide because I've run out of frigging teabags? 


4. " Oh I was depressed too, when I couldn't get into my dress." 
So putting on a few pounds pitched you into the darkest and most isolating hopelessness, so deep that even psychiatric clinicians could barely reach you? And you begged for admission to a psychiatric ward? And you spent weeks stockpiling paracetamol? And...oh, no, I didn't think so.


At the risk of ranting (even more) I'll stop there. But, believe me, I'll come up with more of these gems as the blog wears on.