By now you should have gathered that I, The Kraken, am prone to arsiness. In fact it is my default position. Which is why, even though I have had a perfectly perfunctory day for a woman on the edge, the following two incidents are even now, hours later, doing my frigging head in:


Queue goblins

Feel free to kick me

Are people terminally retarded? No really, are they?  Well they were in A Shit in the Dark this afternoon (it's actually a coffee shop called A Shot in the Dark, but c'mon). That's because after queuing for ten mins to be served, with said queue snaking alongside a giant, wall-painted menu, I witnessed queue goblins. First they got to the counter and acted astounded, as if they thought they were really queuing for cervical smears. Then they became feverishly overcome at being expected to order food and drink. Beads of sweat broke out on a forehead over some internal Coke/ Sprite debate one of them seemed to be grappling with. And to cap it all off the goblins were visibly dragged closer to the edge of their pitiful existences when they were presented with payment options. So what do you think they did next? Paid for two cans of pop and a slice of cake with a fucking credit card. Like I said. Goblins.


Oliver Twist
Well, a re-enactment of it at any rate, at my local library this afternoon. There I was with Ava, pawing through the books when some scruffbag/ urchin hybrid appeared with her little brother. Ava knew them from school (the eldest was four) but I swear to God they'd lurched straight from some Dickensian novel via a Dr Who-style time twist. Not only did they look as if their last bath coincided with the Royal Wedding but their mother was noticeable by her heartfelt commitment to the computer she was glued to in the IT room. Which meant she didn't see them when they ran into the staff rooms and started pulling books about. Neither did she see them when they scampered out of the library to play on the roadside. Jesus, talk about fodder for fiddlers. I watched this carnage for half and hour, during which time she neither looked at nor spoke to said offspring. Lucky then that, being a fretful Kracken, I took it upon myself to those jobs for her. Hope the Castle Bingo website was worth it.