Wheely?

Trucking hell

Whoa there! What in the frig is with this show that I've seen on the telly, Eddie Stobart: Trucks & Trailers? I've only seen a few minutes of it, thank fuck, but I feel as if I've witnessed some atrocity or other. What a complete and utter pile of festering shite. Who, exactly, watches this stuff? As far as I can gather it's a reality show about people driving vans and lorries. So far, so blood-clottingly dull. 
Even worse than the stultifying subject matter, though, is the way in which it is treated. In a vain and hysterical effort to inject some sort of excitement into the show, footage of men driving vans is accompanied by dramatic voiceovers about fuck all, pseudo-scientific displays of maps and delivery routes and molehill-sized cliffhangers about whether Dave the White Van Man will be able to reverse around some tricky corner or other. It's like trying to glamorise the drying of non-drip gloss or suck wonder from emptying a bin. The only affinity it gives me to the drivers and truckers of this nation is to want to lay under 30 tonnes of metal as it thunders down the motorway.
Will Bill deliver his load of widgets from the Eddie Stobart depot to Orpington in time? Like I give a shit. Will Mike be able to negotiate the narrow lanes in notorious Aberdeenshire? Er, wake me when it's time to give a fuck. Or will Steve be able to fit all the cardboard boxes in the back of his van? Oh, sorry, I slipped into a coma then. What did you say?
Mind you, this is nothing compared to the distress I experience at the thought of people actually sitting down to watch this foaming bottle of toss. Can you imagine checking out the TV listings only to see this clogging up the arteries of entertainment before making a point of watching it? Just how entirely fucking dull would your life have to be if this is what gives you enjoyment or makes your heart race. It's unimaginable, and I speak as a woman who had a breakdown and spent a year in bed staring at the wall.
So may I suggest some true excitement to the producers of this hideous show? How about a finale, where all the vans and trucks race to a particular point in the British Isles? And I think I've found the perfect one too. It's about 20 feet to the west of the cliffs of Dover. Dunno about you lot but I'd watch it.