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Monday, 11 June 2012

Going anywhere nice on holidays?
When it comes to countryside fun n frolics there's a particular place for which this kraken family makes a beeline. Now, while said patch of outstanding beauty will remain nameless there is one aspect of this place that I need to blog about. It's a man. In a wig. But it's not any wig. It's a wig so outrageously rough that it looks like roadkill that's been shat on by badgers.
Now this guy works at said site. Problem is that his wig is so horrific that we now count it as one of the must-sees whenever we set hoof in this otherwise scenic place. Believe me when I say that it's a showstopper that would put J-Lo out of business. 
Now fuck knows what this guy is hiding under said toupe but it could never, ever be as bad as what he's hiding it with. Suppurating cranial sores couldn't complete with this verminous rug. Not only is it the wrong colour for him but it's styled circa 1985 (think mullet-like with a DA) and looks so synthetic that he probably lives in terror of naked flames. Worse, the guy cannot be older than 35 so it's not as if he invested in this diseased woodland creature 20 years ago and has never gotten around to changing it.
Problem is that this furball is an attention seeker. Rather than detract from whatever source of insecurity dogs this guy, it adds to it. Visitors stare at him as if he's wandering about with his cock dragging along the floor.
Worse, I am so desperate to know what is underneath this nylon monstrosity that I'm this close to asking him which would be disasterous, not least because the heat from his fury, fused with the flammability of his toupe, could cause his spontaneous combustion.
Now I know what it's like for people to stare. I've got a face cursed with Bells Palsy which makes me look like a Picasso painting: wonky. So I'm almost pathological about not staring at anyone other oddbods. But this bloke's wig is all but screaming at passers by to rip the thing off his pate. The lure of this murdered toupe is impossible to resist.
So in the name of retaining the beauty of this gorgeous spot I may have to take things into my own hands. I dunno, tear the thing from his sweltering skull or send Kraken Junior in to distract him as I peek underneath. Either way, something needs to be done with this abominable tuft and quickly before its grieving mother comes looking for it.



At 21 June 2012 at 16:04 , Blogger Cutie Candy Pop said...

I used to get a Taxi now and again with the same firm and a guy that would regularly pick me up had the most incredible comb over you have ever seen in your entire existence. He was in his mid to late 60s and must have been a Teddy Boy back in his day....problem was he wasn't prepared to let that look go and a lack of hair wasn't going to stop him. He had this thin wisp of hair from the nape of his neck that he must have grown to some considerable length because it was combed right up and over his head from the very nape of his neck and then magnificently coiffed into a huge quiff....all from one row of hair! It was held in place by some magic hairspray that must have been made from some kind of superglue to turn that wisp into a quiff. He then dyed it a very unnatural shade of blue black which only highlighted the lack of hair underneath as when the sun shone his bare scalp would glint through that black wispy veil of a quiff. If that wasn't entertainment enough if he had the taxi window open the whole thing would lift off of his head and hover about an inch above his bare scalp but not a single hair would move out of place. It was like some kind of Paul Daniels magic show going on over his head. Sadly he retired last year and I haven't seen him since. Bless that man for making my taxi rides so much more interesting.

At 22 June 2012 at 00:45 , Blogger The Kraken said...

Whoa! That's fantastic entertainment for any cab ride. When I see guys like that I always wonder what they look like when they wash their hair. I suspect it's completely bald apart from a two foot long tuft dangling on one side. Cx


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