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Monday, 19 December 2011

Blast from the Past
Oooh, remember..?
Give me strength and kick me in the chops. Do you know what I saw yesterday? A bar called Retro which intices in it's slurring clientele with - wait for it - 90s music. I know, I know, 90s music is now retro according to this deeply avoidable watering hole. 
For fuck's sake. I'm still wearing knickers from the 90s. I have eyeliner that dates back to 1996. How can that decade possibly be retro? It was all of 12 years ago. 12 years! Worse, the doors to this pit of despair were festooned with pictures of the likes of Oasis and the Prodigy, as if they were relics from a previous age.
Look, if you wanted to relive the 90s you could probably do it by tuning into Heart FM. You hardly need a flux capacitor for Christ's sake. I mean, if you walked backwards fast enough you could nudge the bloody 80s so the 90s is hardly going to be a problem. 
And, for better or worse, I've been trying to imagine the people who go there. My assumption is that it's full of braying students who joyously proclaim how Chumbawumba produced the soundtrack to their childhoods before shouting things like "Oooh, remember...!" about various adverts and comedians as if they died on the stroke of midnight at the end of 1999.  
Worryingly, though, now that we're pitching headlong into 2012 said Retro will probably start advertising the Noughties as if it were a time of air raid sirens and rationing. Before you know it there'll be 8 year olds cooing about how Britney bloody Spears informed their childhood musical influences.
Jeez, never have I felt older or more out of date. Seeing Retro yesterday was the emotional equivalent of a a fifteen year old shouting "Fuck off, grandma!" at me. I'm 40 for God's sake. As if I didn't feel sidetracked enough by the fact that I'm not a size 6, have never tried meow meow and have never queued up for an X Factor audition.
Anyway, I suspect that Retro isn't really aimed at krakens like me, is it? Tell you what though, give it 15 years and I'll open my own bar, labelling the 20teens as the new retro. That'll give the 90s huggers something to chew over. Revenge never goes out of date does it?



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