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Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Crackers and Cobblers
Can't afford clothes, though
Whoa! Listen to this for a big bowl of wrong. Abbey Clancy, model and footy wife (God, what a dispiriting description) is bemoaning the fact that her nine month old daughter - yes, nine months - has already opened all of her Crimbo presents in a fit of festive excitement. Poor Clancy now has to buy her more presents so that the kid has something to open on Christmas day.
What a pile of complete and utter fucking bollocks. What a load of absolute cock. What a bulging sackful of self-indulgent, spoiled, overpaid, deluded stool water. There are so many things wrong with Clancy's 'predicament' that I barely know where to start ripping it apart. Every lobe of my brain is misfiring and sparks are squirting from my nostrils. 
Clancy, love, you need to learn a few things and fast. Your kid is nine months old. She still doesn't know what to do with her various sphincters let alone root around at the bottom of your many wardrobes, find her presents, unwrap them and fret about how she's fucked up her first Christmas. If she's opened her gifts in a festive frenzy it's your fault not hers, you pan-faced footy shag. Get a grip woman. Kraken Junior turns four next month and she's still happy with a cardboard box, a roll of sticky tape and a fistful of Cheerios. 
Anyway, spare a thought for the rest of country before you start cracking on about what a fucker it is to have to spoil your daughter twice in quick succession will you? These are straitened times for Christ's sake. Most people reading your ridiculous spoutings will be struggling to make ends meet enough to produce a turkey for the table. Gifts for their kids will drag them screaming into the red and January will be decorated with unpaid bills. And yeah, while that in itself is a blog post (working title: the many daft fuckers who go into debt for Christmas) for most families that's the only option open to them these days. 
So, Clancy, if you're expecting sympathy from this particular kraken you're barking up the wrong Norway spruce. Go ahead and buy your nine month old a diamond encrusted motorised scooter or treat her to her first catamaran. Whatever. Just don't expect us to give a flying fuck about what a terrible burden this is upon you this festive season. Now go back to your baubles and shut the bugger up.

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