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Thursday, 22 December 2011

All Talk
Just. Shut. Up.
Can someone please tell me what I can talk about with Kraken Junior when we wake up on Boxing Day morn? I ask because for the last three months the conversation in our cave has been about bugger all but Christmas. I'm starting to wonder what filled our parental chats for the first nine months of 2011. Whatever it was, it must as been as dull a fuck.
Don't blame Conjugal Kraken and I. If I had my way Crimbo would be dropped into conversation at approximately 5pm on Christmas Eve and the festive spruce would be torn down 24 hours later. Blame the world around her. Christ, KJ's school started practising carols for the Christmas concert the day after Halloween. In the middle of October I was accosted by one of her fellow three year olds who told me, advisedly, "Christmas is just around the corner, you know!". And Tesco was letting tinsel slither about the place by then which meant my festive denials were the equivalent of Santa pissing into the wind.
KJ's school - a place of great fabulousness - really hasn't stinted with the Crimbo contributions. There have been concerts, parties, gift making, singalongs...even breakfast with Santa. I seriously wondered if KJ'd start getting Santasick or develop a festive fatigue and start begging for mercy.
All of which means that every day for the last six weeks KJ has asked me whether it's Christmas yet. And every day I've muttered something like "No, darling (for fuck's sake), not yet." Thankfully an advent calendar has helped her to pace herself lest she should have an excitement-induced stroke somewhere around Dec 12. 
Course, now that we're hours way from the big day things are becoming frenzied. School's out. There are gifts under the tree. People we try to see just once a year are appearing on the doorstep. The festive jig is, indeed, up. The three year old's hysteria can no longer be contained. 
By the time Santa comes down the chimney, KJ will be Broadmoor-ready. In fact the big man will need all his powers of strength and stealth if he's to avoid being wrestled to the ground by a wild haired, knee-high goblin dressed in Tinkerbell pyjamas while shrieking a rendition of Santa Claus is Comin' to Town that's thankfully nearing the end of a three month run.
So, as I say, what shall we talk about on Boxing Day? I've a feeling it'll be witness statements and a list of charges that include murder.



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