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Sunday, 23 October 2011

Twitter Litter
Pot. Kettle.
Whoa! Just how much do some people use Twitter? I'm abso-frigging-lutely astounded. I opened my Twitter account sumfink like two years ago and barely used it until a few days ago when I started feeding through my blog (or whatever the fuck you bright young things call it). Christ knows what I expected but it sure as shit wasn't almost constant dialogue from other Tweeters. 
Yeah, loads of people tweet (or twat as the glorious Stuart Lee calls it) but I had no idea that the activity actually replaced more traditional human pursuits such as eating, shitting and having a wank. I've never seen such garrulousnessnessness. When the fuck do some people put down their Blackberries or iPhones or whatever they're using to inform the world that they're picking their teeth/ eating peas/ scratching their arses? Their devices will have to prised out of their cold, dead, yet forever twitching, hands.
I've never felt so fucking out of touch. I thought I was being all out there by blogging. I wasn't prepared for the creeping cyber-demand for me to announce the heaviness of my periods or the strength of my last fart.
Look, this blog ain't going to make me any friends but please, I beg you, retreat to the po and treat yourselves to a long, slow whizz with a good book. And leave your device of choice on the other side of the locked door. There's nowt wrong with the odd tweet but, man! You may want to announce the marmalade shade of your morning wee, but, I sure as shit won't be waiting for it. Do tell me when your battery is about to run out though, eh? That really would be a tweet worth reading.

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