Talking Balls

Victoria 'Bollocks' Beckham

Whoaaa! I've just read this quote from the oboe-faced Victoria Beckham and have therefore exploded my eyes into my own palms. Read, if you will, this load of cock:

"There are quite a few video conferences at 5 a.m. with me in my dressing gown, holding baby. For me it's no different than it is for a lot of women out there. It's like juggling glass balls. I love it." 
Indeed, that last line is where said cock lurks. Who in the fuck enjoys, nay, loves video conferencing at 5am while a newborn shits into their lap? Who, pray? I fucking well didn't enjoy it when I did it and I'm as sure as fuck that no other mother enjoys it either. In fact I didn't enjoy it to the extent that I now feed from a nosebag of anti-psychotics. 

I've written columns twenty minutes from deadline with one finger while a three month old KJ screeched in my left arm. I've done interviews while wiping up the sick that's just puddled over the carpet. I've called editors while shoving a bottle into KJ's gob to keep her quiet for five minutes. And no, I didn't love any of it. In fact, I fucking hated every second of it. I hated the chaos, the noise, the panic and the persistent feeling that I was failing every poor fucker who dared to come into contact with me.

The thing is with Beckham is that she is, well, Beckham. She doesn't get arsy clients shouting at her, doesn't get threatened with her job when she misses work for another jabs visit, doesn't have to troop on until bedtime 14 hours later because there's probably a queue of nanny's desperate to pick up her fucking slack.

I love it. Bollocks, Beckham, bollocks.