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Saturday, 5 November 2011

Car Goblins
Woman! Where's my Arctic Roll!
Arsing along the M4 today we were passed by one of those Toyota Hilux flatbed truck things. Problem was that it had a bumper sticker that made me gasp loud enough for Conjugal Kraken to swerve violently. It read: My other toy has tits. So, as I was unable to impart this at 70mph, here's a message for the one male and one female passenger who displayed such shite on their rear end:

Dear Bloke: I say bloke, because that's probably what you think you are. Look, stop scratching your knackersack for a moment and listen, will you? You. Are. A. Twat. Yes, a twat. Where in fuck's name did you get a sticker like that anyway? Did you use a flux capacitor to steal it from a 1970s Burt Reynolds film? And...don't tell think women are frigid for not wanting wanting to shag you and black people have no sense of humour over the words coon or nigger. Yeah? Right so far? I suspect so. OK, OK, so you could be a paragon of modern man. I could have gotten you all wrong. But something tells me it's you who has gotten it all wrong. Trucks n tits. You're one pinched arse away from being Alf Garnett. Oh shit. That makes you proud doesn't it?

Dear Female Passenger: Step the fuck out of the car. No? Then you're as bad as he is. Really, why would any grown, sentient woman get into a car with that splattered all over the bumper? I'd rather walk over broken, shit-splattered glass in my bare feet. Do you enjoy being driven in a vehicle that describes you as a tit-adorned toy? Oh, please tell me that you've at least had words with him over it. Or that you have a car with a retaliatory sticker that reads: My other toy has a teeny tiny cock but he compensates for this by driving a truck. Otherwise, what happened? Do you also reside in a world where people eat Arctic Roll for pudding and have three telly channels to choose from? Look, hand me that flux capacitor will you? I'm going to smash it the fuck up.

Course, I could be way off my Kraken beam here. Perhaps I really do need to have the humour shagged into me or perhaps said passengers were mortified that this gem has been stuck on their brand new car. Either way, I'm writing this on my laptop. And my other toy has a hair trigger.

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