Oh, Baby

Pasties all round

Blimey. I watched Jeremy Kyle over my porridge this morning and I almost choked on the boy Quaker. What's with these women who tell their partners that their offspring may not be theirs before quibbling that the terminally bewildered men aren't doing their bit in the childrearing stakes? Girls, are you for fucking real? Or are you just hard of thinking?

Firstly, it seems - from this and my other skirmishes with the ringmaster Kyle - that these idiot women fall into two categories. There are those who genuinely don't know who the dad is and those who holler the killer blow during an argument just because they've run out of expletives to lob. Either way, the blokes end up nursing mammoth amounts of doubt that invariably lead them to breakfast time soul bearing on national television.

Thing is, so many of the women who find themselves at the heart of this procreative chaos then proceed to rip the shit out of their stupefied partners because they haven't "stepped up the plate" or "been a man" when it comes to plunging their hands into shit-stuffed nappies.

Girls, what in the fuck do you expect? No, really, exactly what is it that you want these pasty faced blokes to do? Ignore the fact that you claimed to have got knocked up by someone else before taking on the life-changing responsibility of raising another man's child? Christ, that's one fuck of a leap of faith, don't you think? I mean, if your bloke came home with a baby that he'd sired during an affair and asked you to raise it as your own, would you? No, darlin', quite.

Worse, so often these girls seem to accept a stunningly paltry amount of responsibility for their actions. They drop these baby bombs, raising their heavily plucked eyebrows and shrugging "What? What're you blaming me for?" before banging on about plate stepping again.

Problem with saying this stuff out loud is that it automatically turns you into a Daily Mail columnist. It's looks like just one other thing to bash women with. This time, though, the women who do this are genuinely misguided. Cowering behind dated ideals that men are always in the wrong and can be blamed even for their girls shagging about is so deeply irresponsible that makes my brain sweat. 

And yeah, there are plenty of men out there who don't do their bit, knocking up women before washing their hands of them. But two wrongs don't make a right and, anyway, that's another sweary blog post entirely.

So girls, put your brains in will you? If you don't want to spend your prime yelling at a bloke for not doing what you told him was not his responsibility, keep your mouth shut. Oh, and your knickers up.