Calling All Car Goblins

Not quite close enough...

Just a short letter to the guy who parked next to me in Tesco's car park yesterday...


Dear Sir
It was lovely to meet with you yesterday. You have no idea how overjoyed I was when I found that you'd parked so close to my car that I was unable to get into it via the driver's door. In fact I was hardly able to reach the handle of said door so congratulations to you for splitting the atom with your battered shit heap of an Astra.
I have no doubt that your lack of thought for fellow car park users was entirely down to you being so deep in thought about the East African food crisis. Was that why you were in Tesco perchance? To stock up on cheese strings for the starving? In that case, forgive me! Indeed from now on feel free to scrape your way into any pifling space you can find, ideally removing the paint from cars on either side before evacuating your vehicle via the sunroof. It's the least we can do for someone so noble and thoughtful.
If I fail to see you again before Christmas, please do have a wonderful time shoving baubles into thimbles and stuffing your turkey with a goose. After all, your goodwill knows no bounds!
Yours 
The Kraken
P.S. You'll find this funny but for one moment I actually mistook you for a selfish, fat-handed twat who is so far up his arse that he's formed his own black hole. Oh, how I'll laughed over this at the bodywork garage when I'm getting my paintwork fixed. Merry Christmas!