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Monday, 9 January 2012

Losing the Plot
Aye, the sound gimps are here
If I watch one more TV show that treats its audience as if they just got washed up on Thick-as Shit Shore I'm going to be certified illegal. Twice in recent days I've been privy to the sort of incidental and accompanying music that could only have been the work of severely en-gimped producers/ editors/ who-the-frig-ever. 
I've just witnessed a show about hiking which did for soundtracks what Harold Shipman did for patient care. To accompany footage of a group of women walkers, some pancake-eared fool chose Sisters are Doing it for Themselves before playing Why Does it Always Rain on Me when it, er, rained and Shine On when, you guessed it, the sun came out. It was like listening to my own cranial fluid seeping from my ears.
I was also recently forced to take note of one of these vile daytime property shows as it was piped into my dentist's waiting room (presumably to save him the cost of anaesthetic). To ram home the fact that one property was collapsing the overpaid sound goon chose Danger! High Voltage. Go West led us numbingly into a piece on a house in Devon and when some gaff got sold at auction Nina Simone turned in her grave when Feelin' Good got reeled out.
Shit on a brick, it's like TV for the hard of thinking. And to think that there are people out there - mouthbreathers, I suspect - who think that this is must-see TV. 
Exactly how low-brow can viewing get? And to think that somewhere is a TV exec who decrees this stuff fit for public consumption. How the fuck would they feel if they had to watch telly that was the viewing equivalent of a jar of Cow & Gate? Of course, that is based on the assumption that once they have proclaimed this tripe viewable they're then so busy swigging Gray Goose, snorting gak and boffing their assistants in the disabled toilets that they never have to view their own fetid creations. John Loggi Baird would poke out his eyeballs with a cathode ray tube just to witness it all.
So spare us the televisual mush, will you? If I want to be treated like a retarded barnacle I'll start watching Channel 5 and perhaps you could accompany it with Suicide is Painless as a little send off to my intelligence. That or Going Underground.

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